Contributed by Karen Jones, MPH, RN, CIC, LTC-CIP, FAPIC
the guilt creeps in
when you’re not looking.
it hangs a sheet on the wall
and plugs in the projector.
it holds your eyes open
and makes you watch
every moment spent with them
that you could have done better.
~Sara Rian
Sara Rian is a poet, author, licensed therapist, and self-described “griever” in the Metro Detroit area. Her words ring true for those of us navigating the complex emotions involved in the loss of a child.
March 10, 2025, will mark five years since Michigan’s first confirmed case of COVID-19. A grim reminder of the beginning of, to say the least, uncertain times.
Five years ago, I was working in clinical research and picking up hours in a local emergency department. I’d been a nurse since 1995, in many different capacities. I enjoyed the opportunity to maintain my skills developed over the years working in urban trauma centers. I also liked staying in touch with the reality of bedside nursing, scratching my itch for high-pressure work environments. However, healthcare was experiencing high anxiety with COVID—people were dying, treatment was supportive, there was no vaccine, and far more questions than answers.
Five weeks after COVID began, my oldest son, who was home from college, woke up early with excruciating back or “flank” pain. Flank pain is often a sign of a kidney issue, and as he was doubled over in pain, vomiting, and sweaty, it was clear to me he had a kidney stone. So confident was I that his dad accompanied him to the ER so I could meet a work deadline. IV fluids, pain medications, and he should be home in a few hours.
Colin was 20 years old, an “adult” who couldn’t have a parent (or anyone else) with him in the ER. He communicated with me via text while his dad sat in the car in the hospital parking lot. His pain was relieved, IV fluids were running, and he was awaiting scans and test results. I was calm and locked into my work tasks when my phone rang. It was the hospital. Immediately, I felt dread. It was Colin’s ER physician who said, “Your son has testicular cancer. It’s affecting many of his lymph nodes, and that’s causing his pain. You can come and stay with him.”
Stunned disbelief was immediate. It wasn’t until later, after his surgery the following day and consultation with oncologists, then months of hospitalizations and secondary cancer, that the guilt began rolling in.
Guilt is an emotion someone feels after “committing an act that negatively impacts others” (Merriman, 2024), but in the context of child loss, it is something far more than that. Regardless of the details surrounding the loss of a child, guilt is not expected. It can, however, quickly overwhelm our thoughts. When it comes to the death of a child, guilt can manifest in many ways:
· Self-blame: Feeling that you are somehow responsible for, or failed to prevent, your child’s death.
· Regret: Contemplation that you should’ve done things differently.
· Survivor’s guilt: Feeling guilty that you’re alive and your child is not. Let’s not forget the guilt when we begin to experience joy, as the heaviness of grief lessens.
Colin’s cancer had spread to lymph nodes, up to his chest. The pain he was experiencing stemmed from lymph node enlargement in his lower back area. He’d been describing lower back pain over the past several months, complaints that I brushed off as a result of him working in food service for hours at a time, on his feet and active. Why didn’t I take him seriously and encourage him to see his doctor? Instead, I just brushed it off, told him to stretch and take ibuprofen, and to wear better shoes. I felt that not only was I a dismissive parent, but I also clearly couldn’t apply my years of ER triage and assessment skills for my child. Or maybe, I was unqualified to be a nurse or a parent.
The impact of guilt on a grieving parent’s physical and mental health will be different for us all. It can lead to worsening anxiety or depression, exhaustion, gastrointestinal issues, sleep disturbances, and a host of others. Like many aspects of grieving the loss of a child, it’s important to recognize if these emotions are impacting your overall health and ability to keep going. When managing feelings of guilt within grief, consider the following:
· Acknowledge it: Allow yourself to feel these emotions and remember that nearly all of us have feelings of guilt.
· Give yourself grace: Be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that you did the best you could with the knowledge and resources you had at the time. For me, this is the hardest thing to follow.
· Seek support: Whether it’s a therapist, a support group, or another way to share your feelings in safety, expressing these feelings and hearing from others can be very effective. You can gain perspective from others. Simply expressing the ways I felt guilt lessened the hold it had on me.
Colin died early on a Friday morning, on October 15, 2021. Some days, the guilt sees an opening and seeps in. Acknowledging, cutting myself slack, and using strategies learned through therapy has helped.
Moving forward after a devastating, life-altering loss is incredibly difficult. Recognizing what’s contributing to your grief is an important step, and we are here to help.
Karen Jones is a board member of The Beekeeper’s Well and contributor to The Beekeeper’s Well blog postings.
This blog post is not intended to replace the advice or instruction of a professional healthcare practitioner, or to substitute medical care when appropriate.
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